Come back to the path.

One year ago, if you’ve asked me what I want to be in a year, I’d have said I don’t know. But, now I know the answer, this is not what I want to be.

I’ve not dreamt of greatness, I’ve not dreamt of power, I’ve not dreamt of money.

I’ve dreamt of being myself, not bending for what life throws at me, not being what some one expects me to be.

I still do not have a dream to chase on to, I feel like a kite with its tether let loose, but tethered to what the society expects me to do, what they believe for me is the best plan of action.

When I was lost and low, I found that I loved writing. I’ve found a job, where all I had to do was writing. But, I now know the difference between writing and typing, I’ve been typing the one year out of my life.

I’ve given so much of my time to things that I never wanted to, I want to come back, I want to start afresh, with a new hope and heavier weight on my shoulders.

It’s not an easy path, but no one ever said it was going to be easy.

I have been living in the constant fear of failing in life that I forgot to live my life, running around money, I wish I ran on the treadmill and lost a few pounds.

Here is to the new hope that I will come back to the road that I have always wanted to be on.

The universe has no use for your logic

candidkay

How many times have we heard it when something tragic or unexpected happens: “But it doesn’t make sense.”

When a small child dies. A good family loses their home after losing a breadwinning job.

Or, on the flip side, when the slacker who surfs most of the day sells his brilliant idea for millions?

One of my resolutions this year is to stop trying to make sense of what happens. Because my small human mind just cannot.

I will not understand most things when looked at from a purely human perspective.

And the universe has no use for my logic.

If I call on my faith, sometimes that works. The small child was mean to come here to open up the hearts and minds of a select group of people. And that happened through this child’s death more effectively than if he or she had lived into octogenarian years. Comforting?…

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Reality check for Realists

There are multiple ways to divide people, putting aside physical attributes. One of that includes grouping people on their attitude, vision towards the world. 

People often divide into three groups, 

Optimists
Pessimists
Realists

Everyone knows what they mean,I am not interested in explaining them either. Today I want to talk about “Realists”.

Disclaimer: All the people who claim who claim to be realists may not agree with this. But this is how the people I know who consider themselves realists roll.

According to them, Optimists are bunch of people(read: Hippies) who fail to achieve what they dream of, but still were happy with their life. Basically they are jealous of them.

Pessimists are a bunch of pussies who are afraid of everything, they are fit for nothing and will probably be working in a cubicle for the rest of their lives.

Realists, there are only few people who make into this group. According to them  Steve Jobs, Don Vito Corleone and themselves are only meant to be realists.

Let me tell you all self-certified realists, you are wrong.

Every person has three of these in them and the one characteristic that dominates the other two is what makes that person.

If you think that you are better than the other two people , then I am afraid that you belong in a different category, we call them Narcissists. You are so full of yourself that, if a person dreams big which might be unrealistic to you, you stamp them as a over optimistic guy/girl and hand them out a free advice stating that they should come to the real world and live the real life. Seriously? After all the quotes you have in your room about how dreams are amazing, all those Steve Jobs posters and auto bios dint teach a thing or two about dreaming?

You chose to give up on your dreams, you gave up that dreams will never come true. Why do you want everyone to come get in your train of reality and rain on our parade?

You claim you are realist, fair enough, good for you! But if you start saying to others that you should give up on dreams and starting living in reality. You are not a realist, you are a pessimist. You are so afraid that whatever you dream will never come true and when you see people with dreams, you lose yourself and start bull shitting them with what happened to your dreams.

Stop saying stories which start “I too dreamed of doing/going/becoming ….” and a sad story about how you failed to achieve them and which generally end with “… that’s why I stopped dreaming, You should stop dreaming and live in reality”. I am sorry that you couldn’t do what you dreamed of, I really am but that doesn’t give you the right to scare others of dreaming.

Instead why don’t you change the ending “I was too afraid to dream from then on and I regret it every day, I want you to go do what you want to.”

But, inside, deep in your heart you still dream of doing what you wanted do. You still have that optimist alive in you, he is speaking to you right now, don’t ignore his voice, listen to it. You may fail, you will fail, but you will not end with a regret that you din’t give it a shot.

I know I am nothing now, who am I to give you life advice? I know, you are right, but that doesn’t mean you go on killing others dreams. I have one thing that you will never get by being a realist, peace of mind. I may not earn a 6 figure salary, I may not have a Italian car. But I will have that one thing that you can never buy, that fullness, that feeling of doing what I always wanted to do.

Dream on!

Don’t be a dick and scare people. Don’t be a pussy and give up.

 

Arsenal, the season and the new Gunner.

Change is always hard at first. Changing from a sport is harder. From cricket to football isn’t at all, especially if you live in a country where everyone worships cricket and Sachin is their god.

I was introduced to football during the 2010 FIFA World Cup, mainly because of the hype created by Shakira and K’naan. But you had to wake up till late night to watch a sport that you didn’t get at all. What is a Yellow Card? Why aren’t they scoring at all? What a dumb pass! Just hit the ball in the net, goal isn’t as small as wickets, even Ashish Nehra can hit the stumps a few times!

But I was really introduced to football during 2013/14 season of English Premier League (No, it isn’t BPL, its EPL).  My friend has taken up the job to make me fall in love with this beautiful game called football. But it wasn’t easy at all, you don’t know if you want to open cricinfo to check the how many wickets did Mitch take in the ashes or Goal.com to check the table.

Once you get hold, you will be completely stumped how even a 0-0 draw can be full of drama and excitement(a few beers will help you). But the problem is which team you feel like supporting, which home ground can you call your home?

Let’s look at the options. Old Tafford, obviously! Manchester United. The Red Devils. The most popular club in the world. With the likes of David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo, it isn’t easy to ignore them, and you have seen your other friends who watched football wear a jersey or most of your who don’t even know what a tackle is like their page on facebook because it was “cool”.

Stamford Bridge. Chelsea. The Blues.  If you are on twitter and follow Jr. Bachchan you probably read a tweet or two about the blues. They claim to have the mastermind in football and Roman backing the club financially,this isn’t a name you wouldn’t miss.

Anfield. Liverpool. The reds and they have a cool crest and a striker who is a complete asshole. Steven Gerrard, the one who everyone wants to see with a League title.

Etihad. Manchester City.The Sky Blues(Really?) What Manchester has two clubs? Mumbai doesn’t have two! They have a cool bunch of strikers and how can anyone not see Yaya!

Emirates. Arsenal. Gunners. What? Is that a club? Oh, the previous club of Manchester United’s striker! I see.

Of all these I chose to be a Gunner. And was ready to call Emirates my home.

You start following and the first game of the season that you were waiting eagerly blows up and you lose it at your home with Villa scoring 3 and your club 1. But the rest of August was easy breeze.

The next big fixture with our Rivals and Neighbors Tottneham Hotspur, the club who sold Bale to Real Madrid. Which ended in a 1-0 and Santi Cazorla gave me one more reason to love the North London club.

September 2^nd, Wenger signs Ozil, the midfielder from Real Madrid, considered as one of the best playmaker and called as “Assist Machine”. It was a 42.5 Million Pound contract and you are really happy with the clubs performance and Ozil coming in with 11 jersey will just make the club more strong.

September 14^th Ozil debuts for Arsenal and when he finally walks on the pitch with the yellow away jersey twitter bursts out. And 11 minutes into the game the No.11 gives a beautiful assist to Giroud.

Then comes the months of October where we draw with West Brom(Oct 6^th), lose to Borussia Dortmund and Chelsea in UEFA Champions League and Capitol One Cup and won the rest of the matches.

November, We beat Liverpool 2-0! How cool is that! And Dortmund 1-0, again How cool are we! Then comes the fixture most fans wanted to see, RvP play against his previous club The Arsenal. Lot of drama but still 0-0  after about half-hour and then BOOM RvP scores from a corner and he celebrates breaking hearts of many many fans at Emirates. And with wins over Southampton and Cardiff where Aaron Ramsey scored a double against his former club but din’t celebrate like RvP.

December arrives and brings with it Christmas and January Transfer Window Rumors. You start hearing names Draxler, Mata all ready to sign with Arsenal. And two big matches with Manchester City and Chelsea. When City was jogging past the defenders it was tough to watch the club I come to fall in love with, our defense collapsed and with every goal we scored they netted two! After the rundown by City we faced Chelsea and to my surprise it ended in a 0-0 draw.

January comes with its Transfer Window with a North London Derby with Theo catching and injury and  leaves the pitch mocking the rivals with a 2-0 score. January ends rather on a low note,  2-2  away draw to Southampton and Mata already moving to Manchester United and we end the month with Kim Kallstrom  loan from Spartak Moscow. Seriously who is he?!

February is the longest month for a Arsenal fan, with injuries and a whopping 5-1 loss to Liverpool, we were down to 4-0 before the first half! But we reply them with a 2-1 at the FA cup 5^th Round. And then probably the lowest time in the season has started, UEFA round of 16, Arsenal play Bayern Munich home and just before the first half ended Sczczesny got a red card and the game ended pretty much.

March started with a 1-0 loss to stoke and with most players injured this is going to be hard for us. If it wasn’t for Per and Lolo we would have been in a worse situation. But it wasn’t that bad, we drew the second leg of Champions League with Bayern and went past the Quarter finals of FA cup and beat Spurs 1-0 at White Hart Lane(COYG!). After the draw with Swansea(really?) we managed to get a draw with City and were happy not repeat the previous mishap.

April and Everton, our contenders for 4^th place beat us 3-0. What has started as a wonderful season and we were fighting for the 4^th with toffees. We were on the top of the table for most part of the season but what matters is who remains on the top in the end of the season. So with one eye on the FA cup and one on Champions League slot for next season.

We beat Wigan on penalties in the Semi Finals and the rest was amazing, Aaron returns from injury and we were back on track. With 3-1,3-0,3-0 and 1-0 against WestHam, Hull our FA cup Finalists, New Castle and ended the last game at Emirates this season against West Brom.

This season has been a Roller Coaster and is this was my first season following The Arsenal I was new to a lot of things, it wasn’t easy but it was fun.

There were a few down moments with #WengerOut trending on twitter and unable to stop the big fish to score against us, the Sczczesny getting the red against Bayern, Ozil missing the penalty and made fun as Miss-it Ozil and the injuries of course!
But there are some moments to cherish too, Ozil running the pitch for the first time and assisting beautifully to Giroud, cameo by Theo in the middle and Rambo coming back on the picth.

To be fair I expected us to win the league, but that is not how things go in England. But it wasn’t a bad year, I fell In love with a football club, which I very much doubted and overall I came to love the sport and all the drama in it.

I see a great next season for us even if we don’t sign big names, we just need to avoid injuries to Theo,Jackie,Rambo,Lolo and we will win the League for sure, may be a double.

Come On You Gunners!

Origins

So sorry to hear that.
Had to go through a similar phase my self.
But I always told my self, wherever my dad is, he is always looking after me.

Imperfect Happiness

When I was four, after my brother Josh’s death but before my sister was born, I had a dream that a giant dog was running around our San Diego house. I could see the dog’s fur outside the window as it raced by, and I could feel the ground shake with each of its steps. I knew it was up to me to warn people, to protect my family, but I couldn’t reach to close the windows and no one would listen to me. When I woke up, I told my mom about the dream. “I felt so old, Mommy,” I said. “I felt like I was five!”

After Josh died, my dad came home from cruise early. A black car with white military lettering on the door dropped him off in front of our house. I ran across the grass and jumped into his arms, pressed my…

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Sex, poop and periods.

19

 

“You aren’t a kid any more, grow up!”

“Be home before it is dark!”

Two of my mom’s favorite lines.

Lately I have been feeling older than I am. I feel as if I lost that *zing* of the youth, I admit that I am not in my teens any more. But that doesn’t mean that I have to feel old! I am still perfectly crazy to be a teen.

I realized that I think a lot before I do anything(my mom still thinks that I should think more*sigh*), and I am no longer that asshole on the road that honks and cuts lane. I am scared really, scared that I would catch “maturity”

Why am I scared of growing old?

No, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the pigmentation stuff (I don’t know what the dang that means) nor the constantly diminishing hair line of mine.

I mean about the stuff inside, the craziness that makes you crazy enough to take that one more pitcher, that one more shot, that one more mouthful, that one more chapter and I will sleep, that fuck it!.

I am afraid that I will grow old into those boring uncles that we try to avoid everyday by taking the “road less travelled”, that hypocrites who blab all day that the people should change while he spits on the road.

 I am afraid that I will be so bored of life that I decide to settle in. By settle in I mean, getting married, getting a “good” paying job that you hate, buying a house and car that you can’t afford and spending the rest of your life repaying the EMIs, the occasional dinner with friends where you fight to pay the bill but you secretly wish that the guy who is working at the bigger company pays it.

No, I don’t wanna be that, I would happily chow down on instant ramen than working a job that I don’t like and eating at costly buffet places.  I would happily buy my clothes at discount places, rather than wearing the ones from the malls and sitting before a desk and wanting to get out.

No, I am not madhavan from 3 Idiots or anyone else.

“But, is growing up really boring?”

Not really, not unless you chose to be boring like a log. Life is never boring; it’s just that you are lazy enough to feel the excitement all around you.

Life is fun, Life sucks, Life is gloomy, Life is bright, Life is pleasant, Life is chaotic, Life is nothing, and Life is everything. Life is what you make of it.

So, when you can make it something awesome, why do you want to make it stale?

Why not go to that trip that you always wanted to?

Why not say fuck it and have one more pudding?

Why not be a hippie?

Why not go backpacking around?

Why not give life your best shot?

Why not?

It has been 4 years past my 19 and I have evolved into a completely different person now, I am still annoying, I still talk a lot, I still am sexy as ever. Then what has changed? I will tell you what has changed. Every-fucking-thing, the very way I look at things and people has took a U turn.

Life is tough, but the tougher life is the more you learn. If you don’t learn before you bite the dust, then what’s the whole point?

Life starts after the moment when you start to fumble, when you start to fail and fail to start, when people bail on you and you still wait for them.

Life starts after pain.

19

Has been that for me, most I guess, life starts after 19.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to give up everything you love and do something for the sake of camouflaging in with others. You can always choose to be stupid and crazy enough to fuck things and don’t stop fucking up. No matter how many times I may fuck up, I won’t give up.

 

To quote Eminem’s Berzerk

“Say fuck it before we kick the bucket”

 

  PS: No, I din’t flunk the image from internet, I made it.

 

What are we scared of?

Don’t deny it. You are scared of something. Everyone is scared of something. Be it failure, death, darkness, iPhone that wouldn’t boot or anything! Your iPhone not booting and darkness, these things you must be scared of.

But why death and failure? Death is certain, no matter how  healthy food you eat, how fast you drive, how much yoga you do a week, how many carbs you burn on that treadmill, you will die. Then what’s the point of fearing death?

We all know that we are going to die, but still we are scared of it. It’s inevitable, then why be afraid. ‘Cos we don’t want it now, not this moment, not this week, not this month, not this year. Why not now, you know you are going to end up in a 6 by 2 feet place. Because we hold dear of all we have now, we still have a lot of things to do, jobs to do, dates to go, guys/girls to fall in love with, get our heart broken, feel miserable of life, feel great about life, making promises, breaking them.

It’s the usual plan. Live a happy, merry life. Having a satisfying life.

But why the fear of failure? You are going to die anyway, rich or poor, fat or petite, alcoholic or vegan, successful or a looser, we all die. But failure is something. How will I face  mom and dad  if I don’t score good in exams? How will I tell my partner that I screwed up big time?

Suppose you end up with bad grades, or really screwed up  big time. So, what? Aren’t you still your mama’s boy/girl? Isn’t your partner still the person you love most? There may come sometimes when they might be really pissed at you. They have all the rights to be pissed about, they expected from you, good grades or something else, they did. That’s why they are angry on you.

It is you who should deal with your shit.

But that doesn’t explain why we are afraid of failure, every one fails, everything can fail. Your brakes might fail and you hit a tree and drive, that doesn’t mean that you don’t go out of the door. What if your roof collapses on your head? You cant stay out forever either. What if lightning stirkes you, bear eats you(the Grylls one, not the one in the zoo)

All I have to say is not to fear of failure.

I am not saying that I am not afraid of failure, I am saying this I pee in my pants when I think of the problems I have. I am scared and I don’t want to be scared.

The next time you hear yourself saying “What if this doesn’t work out?” Say to yourself “What the hell? Let me try first, if I fail then we will think something out.”

I am ready to say that. If I can, then anyone can.

I am not a motivation speaker or don’t wish to be. I am just a guy dealing with his own shit and fearing everything he comes across with.

Struck Hard!

I was smiling at his pathetic jokes sipping tea at the Udupi hotel and looking at his face. That’s when I asked myself “Do I really want this?” “Do I really want to be this guy?” “Acting always, pleasing people” And then it struck me, I was staring at myself, living by the societies definition of me. I wasn’t me anymore; I don’t know when this happened. But I lost myself, the strong force or power that made me wake up every day without alarm and go to sleep without thinking what’s about to come tomorrow.

                I went to my room and lit a cigarette taking in long puffs and thinking about nothing, I just realized that I’m not me, I’m lost. I’m not myself. I again asked myself “Is this what I want to become?” and that question lead to another. “What did I dream of being when I was a kid?”  and the answer made me feel the worst, I did not have answer for that question. I never truly dreamed of being anything in my life. All I had been doing and planned to do was live on auto-pilot. And now I’m writing this without a shirt on shivering in the cold and wondering what went wrong and where did I take the wrong step?

One question lead to another and I found myself empty. Everything that I did until now or planned to do in future or wanted in my life, I never truly wanted them. I wish to have them ‘cos people had these in their life and they seemed happy and that’s when things got scarily wrong and out of hand. I started idolizing others happiness and started working towards the goal. I never wanted to work for a MNC on a thing that never interested me. I look around me now and find books of coding, java, html, C and what not. Do I really love to do them for the rest of my life?

“Do I want to be a actor?”  I don’t know

“Do I want to be a doctor?”  I don’t know

“What do I want to be?” Nothing, I don’t know

Why can’t be someone who loves for no reason. Who makes others happy just like that? Why can’t I be Santa Claus.

But one thing was strongly planted in my head, ”Get money, get shit loads of them. Get so much that you never dry out of cash.”  Why did I? Is money happiness? Heck no!

“Then what made me happy?”

“Writing a piece of code?”

“Sipping overpriced whisky?”

“Driving in Italian cars?”

The last two will make me definitely happy, I guess. But how do I know that? I have never been in a Italian car. Hell I don’t even know how to drive! But whisky would make me happy, I loved whisky.

But why whisky? It made forget my immediate life and think of something or nothing. It made me loose myself. It made me stop being the person that I dint want to be.

If it is making me stop being what I currently am, then this isn’t me. Then why am I not me?

Everything that I am or I am not is pointing to only one question and that one dint have any answers to it, or there is an answer, maybe I was coating layer over layer of paint on myself.

“Then what Am I really?”
“Am I a beautiful diamond?”
“Am I a black coal?”
“What Am I?”

I don’t know what I am, but I want to be myself. I maybe the Satan himself living in a carnal incarnation, I wont give a damn. If I am the Satan, I would be glad to be Satan than be something else.

But then again,

“Why is Satan bad?”
 “Why is Jesus Christ a god? He is a zombie right? Coming back from dead and stuff”
“Why is Rama the good one and Ravan the asshole?”

 

Who defines this stuff? Who makes these so balanced and genuine and unbiased assumptions?

These questions that I got earlier are taking me to places that I have never been to. But this isn’t making me feel uncomfortable. I feel good asking myself these questions that I don’t have answers for. This makes me feel superior. This makes me feel smarter.

“Why do we compare?”
“Who are we to judge?”

There is only one judge according to me and that is God, the almighty(No, Not Bruce The Almighty). God is something/Someone that comes from inside us. God is what we are. God is what I am. God is what you are. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know whether this will be ever read by someone else other than me.

Coming back to the simplest of all questions “What Am I?” . I mentioned that this was really hard question, but then again I found questions harder that this one and this seems to be fairly easy one to answer. Why? Because I won’t be dealing with offending peoples opinion.

I have been arguing with myself from lot of days now and there seemed to be no conclusion. I’m not getting bored by this argument, I’m not in a quest to find answers. I’m here to have fun, enjoy the state of constant confusion, constant fear, constant longings, constant chaos.

I love chaos. I love confusion. It made me feel alive, just liking cooking meth made Walter White feel alive, be himself. But do I want to live in this great state of confusion and conclusion less – maybe, maybe not. But I love it. After all what is the point of living a long life without any mystery, without having fun, without fooling around, without messing up?

But there are some questions that require answers, like what happens when you divide 1063 by a prime number and multiply it with a factor of 5 and then add formaldehyde to it and put the whole mixture in a centrifuge and baking it at 140 for twenty minutes(Don’t forget to pre heat the oven) and then adding some frog balls to it, how will it taste then?

That was a great joke right?(If you dint get it, you probably were a first bencher and teachers pet and always had good grades and are now working for a multibillion company and feel that you have achieved everything there is to, yeah I almost forgot, you suck giant donkey balls)   No offence at all, but I hate you, if you thought, yeah that’s me while going through the section in brackets. “Why do I hate you?” You ask me that seriously? You are the reason that so many kids who stop dreaming, because they now want to work for multibillion company. It may be fun for you, but not for me. And there are people out there like me, look around your office desk and you may find people like me working their asses off for nothing. Money maybe, but nothing else. People idolize you, they look at you with awe and think that it is fun to live like you.

I have never had a happy life. Why? Cos I dint choose to have one. Cos I was searching for happiness in places where it isn’t there. I was searching for Dutchmen’s Gold in China. I was looking for it outside. In the costly geometry boxes, in the fancy watches. But happiness isn’t out there, it is on the other side of my thick glasses, the inside. Now, I realize what made me happy, the Italian pasta makes me happy, the unlimited refills at Taco Bell make me happy, the instant ramen that I have in the middle of the night makes me happy, the whisky that is making me type this makes me happy, the call from my mom telling me that she is looking through and old photo album makes me happy, the laughs of my niece makes me happy, the cries of her sister makes me happy. Everything that I just described are outside ones , not inside me. But what is inside me? Nothing again.

You probably already stopped reading this or came to a conclusion that this long piece of 1,360+ word article has no conclusion. And you are not wrong, I’m not writing this to make a point or tell you something, I’m writing this cos I love writing, I’m writing this cos this makes me happy.

Lose yourself and find yourself lost. 

Should I do this really?

This is here because wordpress wants me to.