Struck Hard!

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I was smiling at his pathetic jokes sipping tea at the Udupi hotel and looking at his face. That’s when I asked myself “Do I really want this?” “Do I really want to be this guy?” “Acting always, pleasing people” And then it struck me, I was staring at myself, living by the societies definition of me. I wasn’t me anymore; I don’t know when this happened. But I lost myself, the strong force or power that made me wake up every day without alarm and go to sleep without thinking what’s about to come tomorrow.

                I went to my room and lit a cigarette taking in long puffs and thinking about nothing, I just realized that I’m not me, I’m lost. I’m not myself. I again asked myself “Is this what I want to become?” and that question lead to another. “What did I dream of being when I was a kid?”  and the answer made me feel the worst, I did not have answer for that question. I never truly dreamed of being anything in my life. All I had been doing and planned to do was live on auto-pilot. And now I’m writing this without a shirt on shivering in the cold and wondering what went wrong and where did I take the wrong step?

One question lead to another and I found myself empty. Everything that I did until now or planned to do in future or wanted in my life, I never truly wanted them. I wish to have them ‘cos people had these in their life and they seemed happy and that’s when things got scarily wrong and out of hand. I started idolizing others happiness and started working towards the goal. I never wanted to work for a MNC on a thing that never interested me. I look around me now and find books of coding, java, html, C and what not. Do I really love to do them for the rest of my life?

“Do I want to be a actor?”  I don’t know

“Do I want to be a doctor?”  I don’t know

“What do I want to be?” Nothing, I don’t know

Why can’t be someone who loves for no reason. Who makes others happy just like that? Why can’t I be Santa Claus.

But one thing was strongly planted in my head, ”Get money, get shit loads of them. Get so much that you never dry out of cash.”  Why did I? Is money happiness? Heck no!

“Then what made me happy?”

“Writing a piece of code?”

“Sipping overpriced whisky?”

“Driving in Italian cars?”

The last two will make me definitely happy, I guess. But how do I know that? I have never been in a Italian car. Hell I don’t even know how to drive! But whisky would make me happy, I loved whisky.

But why whisky? It made forget my immediate life and think of something or nothing. It made me loose myself. It made me stop being the person that I dint want to be.

If it is making me stop being what I currently am, then this isn’t me. Then why am I not me?

Everything that I am or I am not is pointing to only one question and that one dint have any answers to it, or there is an answer, maybe I was coating layer over layer of paint on myself.

“Then what Am I really?”
“Am I a beautiful diamond?”
“Am I a black coal?”
“What Am I?”

I don’t know what I am, but I want to be myself. I maybe the Satan himself living in a carnal incarnation, I wont give a damn. If I am the Satan, I would be glad to be Satan than be something else.

But then again,

“Why is Satan bad?”
 “Why is Jesus Christ a god? He is a zombie right? Coming back from dead and stuff”
“Why is Rama the good one and Ravan the asshole?”

 

Who defines this stuff? Who makes these so balanced and genuine and unbiased assumptions?

These questions that I got earlier are taking me to places that I have never been to. But this isn’t making me feel uncomfortable. I feel good asking myself these questions that I don’t have answers for. This makes me feel superior. This makes me feel smarter.

“Why do we compare?”
“Who are we to judge?”

There is only one judge according to me and that is God, the almighty(No, Not Bruce The Almighty). God is something/Someone that comes from inside us. God is what we are. God is what I am. God is what you are. I don’t know who you are. I don’t know whether this will be ever read by someone else other than me.

Coming back to the simplest of all questions “What Am I?” . I mentioned that this was really hard question, but then again I found questions harder that this one and this seems to be fairly easy one to answer. Why? Because I won’t be dealing with offending peoples opinion.

I have been arguing with myself from lot of days now and there seemed to be no conclusion. I’m not getting bored by this argument, I’m not in a quest to find answers. I’m here to have fun, enjoy the state of constant confusion, constant fear, constant longings, constant chaos.

I love chaos. I love confusion. It made me feel alive, just liking cooking meth made Walter White feel alive, be himself. But do I want to live in this great state of confusion and conclusion less – maybe, maybe not. But I love it. After all what is the point of living a long life without any mystery, without having fun, without fooling around, without messing up?

But there are some questions that require answers, like what happens when you divide 1063 by a prime number and multiply it with a factor of 5 and then add formaldehyde to it and put the whole mixture in a centrifuge and baking it at 140 for twenty minutes(Don’t forget to pre heat the oven) and then adding some frog balls to it, how will it taste then?

That was a great joke right?(If you dint get it, you probably were a first bencher and teachers pet and always had good grades and are now working for a multibillion company and feel that you have achieved everything there is to, yeah I almost forgot, you suck giant donkey balls)   No offence at all, but I hate you, if you thought, yeah that’s me while going through the section in brackets. “Why do I hate you?” You ask me that seriously? You are the reason that so many kids who stop dreaming, because they now want to work for multibillion company. It may be fun for you, but not for me. And there are people out there like me, look around your office desk and you may find people like me working their asses off for nothing. Money maybe, but nothing else. People idolize you, they look at you with awe and think that it is fun to live like you.

I have never had a happy life. Why? Cos I dint choose to have one. Cos I was searching for happiness in places where it isn’t there. I was searching for Dutchmen’s Gold in China. I was looking for it outside. In the costly geometry boxes, in the fancy watches. But happiness isn’t out there, it is on the other side of my thick glasses, the inside. Now, I realize what made me happy, the Italian pasta makes me happy, the unlimited refills at Taco Bell make me happy, the instant ramen that I have in the middle of the night makes me happy, the whisky that is making me type this makes me happy, the call from my mom telling me that she is looking through and old photo album makes me happy, the laughs of my niece makes me happy, the cries of her sister makes me happy. Everything that I just described are outside ones , not inside me. But what is inside me? Nothing again.

You probably already stopped reading this or came to a conclusion that this long piece of 1,360+ word article has no conclusion. And you are not wrong, I’m not writing this to make a point or tell you something, I’m writing this cos I love writing, I’m writing this cos this makes me happy.

Lose yourself and find yourself lost. 

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